Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
