rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
