woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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