as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
