when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
