You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
