he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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