It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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