he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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