why didn't you poke me back
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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