and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
