i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
