a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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