May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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