Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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