My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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