I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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