Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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