i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
