Will you blow on my dice?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
