My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
