Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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