White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My ass is underappreciated
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
