My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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