wakey wakey hands off snakey
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
