Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
