Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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