my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am available for nakedness
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
