I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
