the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize