I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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