We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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