Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
