his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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