So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dignity is for republicans.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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