You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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