You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
