I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
