She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
