Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
