I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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