He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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