we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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