i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
