Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am available for nakedness
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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