I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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