bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
