I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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