I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
