Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
