but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
