I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
