i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
