I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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