i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
