My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
