Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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