I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
