If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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