He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
