Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
