did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
