no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
