new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
