So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
