I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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