When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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