he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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