proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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