I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
