Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
