What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
